In the second week of the Virtue Challenge, Stina shared with me a new take on a very old social concept. She shatters the concept of kindness as niceness and instead asks what does being kind truly mean and how do we live it as a virtue rather than a fake front for social approval, or acceptance?
Week 2 – Kindness
This week the focus was on the virtue and fruit of the spirit of ‘kind’ and being of kindness. With some thought I drew my focus more on the origin of the word and really taking in this sense of reframing kindness away from ‘niceness’.
Rather than thinking about it as doing nice things or saying nice things, or just being a nice person to be around, I was actually thinking of it in relation to where that word comes from.
One of the translations connects it to being ‘of the same kind’, so ‘humankind’. It’s also where we get the word ‘kinship’ from.
It’s actually about ‘being one of’, and that we belong together in a particular sense because we’re of the same kind.
So during this week I used this point to recognise when I had opportunities that reflected that kinship. Rather than saying nice things to someone because it’s a nice thing to do, it was now an opportunity to encounter another with kindness because we are of the same kind. Our choice to do or say kind things is because we should recognise we are in relationship with all people, and we belong together.
We belong together not only as humans, but as brothers and sisters in Christ – we are of the same kind in Christ. But for those who are not Christians or not practicing Christians, we are still of the same kind because we’ve been made in the image and likeness of God, whether you can see that or not.
That gave me a new sense of responsibility for that person.
It’s not kindness for the sake of being nice or a form of shallow niceness. It’s actually saying ‘I want to have this responsibility for this other person because they are of the same kind as me’.
So when I sat opposite a couple at a meal during that week, I was conscious they were a little on the outer in conversations from the rest of the group. At that moment, I thought to myself, “This is my opportunity for kindness. It’s right here.”
As I considered them, I was thinking more deeply about how to help – “How can I show kindness to this couple to include them more in the conversation, or start another conversation with them so that they don’t feel like they’re so much on the outer circle? What can I do to connect with these people? Because you and I belong together. How can I put a metaphorical arm around you, and draw you in better?”
I saw them as my brother and sister in Christ.
These thoughts shifted my frame of mind and the way I was framing the virtue, which was really helpful.
Thinking about kindness in this way helped me to be a lot more congruent and consistent to who I am, instead of trying to act in a way that’s very different to myself. I could be congruent to myself when I was in conversation with people that I disagreed with (because the temptation with thinking about kindness in the terms of niceness is to just be agreeable, even if we actually disagree with what they’re saying). And so I don’t want to do that because that wouldn’t be consistent with who I am. This new way of thinking helped me stay true to my convictions while also giving room for dialogue in kindness, knowing they and I belong to one.
Feeling like I put an arm around someone as my brother or sister in Christ enabled a level of softness in my dialogue and a level of gentleness in my approach without changing my conviction. I learned I can still show that I ‘see’ others and we are kindred no matter our conflicting convictions. I could see the world not with an opposing lens but rather kindness revealed we belong together.
By Stina Constantine
Founder and director of Virtue Ministry and keynote speaker.
By Grace Feltoe
Social media marketer and administration assistant.